How To Survive A Zombie Apocolypse In A Bathroom Part 1


Last week I had the pleasure of having an evening to myself and so decided to watch 28 Days Later. Don’t get mixed up with 28 Days with the lovely happy go lucky Miss Congeniality star Sandra Bullock. I’m talking about the Danny Boyle zombie apocalypse extravaganza. Now if you haven’t seen this film then I can’t suggest highly enough that you rent, download, borrow or buy a copy and have a watch. Granted it is a zombie film and so there is lots of blood and gore which may not be to everyone’s liking but it’s also a story of survival and relationships.

After watching the film I thought I’d do a quick bit of research into how to survive a zombie apocalypse (if it ever were to happen) and I found loads and loads of brilliant information. But then when I looked at how to survive a zombie apocalypse in a bathroom I realised there wasn’t very much information at all. So here is my information on surviving a zombie apocalypse in a bathroom. Enjoy.

First let me set the scene for your survival so you’ve got abit of background knowledge to your survival battle. The scenario is that your next door neighbour has burst through your back door and is looking for anything that moves to start gorging on. That’s right your next door neighbour is a zombie, but its ok you are not too upset because you didn’t really like him because he always played music really late and smelt of cabbage. You have time to grab a bag of Haribo and a cheese and ham sandwich which your flatmate left on the table as you swiftly run up the stairs. As you reach the top of the stairs your flatmate’s girlfriend is coming out of his room and is also a zombie. You assume that your flatmate is dead which is sad so you are now burning with a concoction of vengeance, fear and adrenaline. You see that the only door open and available to move into for safety leads to the bathroom. So with out a thought you jump into the bathroom and lock the door.

So the scenario is set in motion you have two zombies outside and your locked in the bathroom with no where to go. The lock on the bathroom door won’t last long so how do you survive? Well I’ve split survival into a few headings to make it easier to remember.

Zombie

1. Find a weapon

First of all you need to find yourself a weapon. I can not stress this enough a weapon is absolutely key to survival. In this scenario the zombies are trying to break in, they know you are in there and so you need to be able to attack them. Defence is not an option with zombies as they will keep coming again and again until you kill them. Remember its either you or them.

Weapons

Toilet Cistern Lid / Top

This heavy blunt toilet panel is ideal for bonking the zombies on the head and destroying the brain. This should be your first weapon of choice in a bathroom and should remain within arms reach of where ever you move.

Con – The cistern lid / top is heavy and will use a lot of effort up.

Shower Curtain

Although a shower curtain is not exactly a formidable weapon it can be extremely handy. Use the shower curtain to cover a zombies head and face, this confuses the zombie and provides a barrier between the zombie’s mouth and you. You can use the shower curtain to drag the zombie to the ground where stamping and kicking will be most efficient.

Con – Effective for one zombie at a time.

Bathroom Mirror

Hopefully you have a bathroom mirror that is easily removed from the wall. Once removed a mirror can be smashed over a zombies head or broken in to shards to be jabbed in the brain both are effective methods of mirror use.

Con – 7 years bad luck.

Bathroom Towel

A bathroom towel is a simple but useful weapon and one that should not be over looked. Tear the towel into two equal pieces and wrap around hands. You now have a pair of quick home made boxing gloves. Now pretend your Muhammad Ali and swing like a mad man aiming for the head of the zombie. The towel acts as a barrier in case you accidentally punch the zombie in the mouth and get the virus causing you to turn zombiefied.

Con – Good boxing technique needed for efficient zombie death.=

Hair Spray / Deodorant

This is a last gasp weapon and can only be used in desperate situations where no other option is available. Use the hair spray or deodorant as a mini flame throw hold the can up to the zombies face and use a match or lighter just in front of the spray nozzle and hold down the spray button. This is not really a weapon as zombies don’t feel pain but will distract the zombie enough for you to escape and will eventually kill the zombie if it remains on fire.

Con – Matches or lighter needed to work plus strong possibility of burning yourself and causing major injury also potential for making the situation worse.

2. Stop more zombies getting in

So you’ve grabbed a weapon and zonked, whacked, bonked and bashed both your neighbour’s and your flatmate’s girlfriend head in. Success you have survived the first wave of zombie attacks. You have a quick glance down the stairs and you can see a shadow but the zombie hasn’t been alerted to your presence. You realise you can’t get out of the bathroom quickly and quietly so you make the decision to stay for a short while. In addition the bath tub has become lose in the first zombie attack.

Bath Tub Method

Use the bathtub to block the damaged bathroom door making sure it is wedged in tight so no zombies can crawl through any gaps to bite your legs or arms.

Con – potentially quite a noisy manoeuvre so could draw a zombie’s attention.

Turtle Method

This method is somewhat unique and can work extremely well although can also be a tomb for your rotting corpse. The turtle technique is simple, turn the bath upside down and position yourself underneath it. Whilst you are underneath the bath you are well hidden from zombies giving you time to sort out your next move.

Con – If you a prone to sneezing or farting this method is not good for you as any sound will attract zombies plus the smell could be unbearable depending on what you’ve eaten.

Slide and Slip Method

Pretty much all bathrooms will have either bleach or some kind of cleaning product in it, usually located around the back of the toilet or in a cupboard. Simply pour the cleaning product just outside the door and then keep yourself hidden. Any approaching zombies will slip on the liquid and fall over.

Con – Only really works on hard surfaces.

Ok so you’ve killed your first two zombies and you’re well hidden or barricaded in your bathroom. So far so good you’re doing well.

I’ve got another 3 more essential survival techniques and methods to tell you about so come back and visit on Wednesday to complete your training to be fully equipped to take on any potential zombie apocalypse that may or may not happen.

As always please leave any comments in case i have missed any additional weapons or anything.

Friday’s Fun Gender Poll


After a two part blog about explaining how each gender spends time in the bathroom it’s time for you guys to vote on exactly who you think spends longer in the bathroom. Hopefully you have been thinking about it over this week and come to a conclusion and are able to vote.

If you havent had a chance to read either parts of this debate then the links are here Part 1 Males and Part 2 Females.

As always thanks for voting and please leave any other comments.

Gender and the Bathroom Debate Part 2 Female’s


On Monday I briefly delved into the long running debate of why do men take so long in the bathroom? I’m now going to shed some light on why women take so long in the bathroom? This is just so the debate is on an equal playing field ready for Friday’s Fun Poll of who takes the longest in the bathroom men or women.

I will again start off by stating that I am going to be very broad and so quite a few generalisations will be made. Everyone is unique and different and will have their own routines and rituals so please remember a lot of these points are going to be generalisations so please don’t get offended.

So now I’ve covered my back on with the debate.

The difference between men and women is quite significant both physically and psychologically there is no doubting that. Yes men and women can both enjoy sports, reading, films and lots of other common interests but there is lots of smaller points of interest that significantly differ from each gender.

Women in the toilet

These differences can be suggested as being ingrained by social interaction and pressures for example a baby boy is always dressed in blue and a baby girl is always dressed in pink. There’s nothing to say that the colours can be switched around and have a baby boy dressed in pink rather then blue. Hopefully you see where I’m getting at with this point even if I have said it in a confusing muddled way.

Basically I’m saying that society and peer pressure shapes us as people whether we like it or not or whether we admit to it or not. So your there reading this thinking what is this guy chatting about, what does this have to do with women spending more time in the bathroom. Well read on and my pearls of undeniable wisdom will be revealed.

Women spend a long time in the bathroom due to mainly getting themselves ready and comfortable for the day ahead or going out. Unlike men where they mainly use the extended bathroom time to do their business, read and generally relax and escape from the world for while. Women are getting themselves prepared and ready for the world by applying make-up, styling their hair and general self grooming and styling.

women doing make-up

This is the slight fundamental difference between men and women. That women use bathroom time to get ready, although I will point out that the trend is changing. Men are now becoming women and to be honest this annoys me. Men should be men. They are supposed to be a bit smelly and ruff around the edges it’s what defines our masculinity, but more and more men are becoming pooffy lady boys who can’t even hammer a nail into a wall. I apologise though I’m going off on a tangent into another social issue which really annoys me, and needs to be addressed significantly before we all end up becoming self obsessed Asexual beings with no gender differences.

Back to why women spend ages in the bathroom.

Taking this theory of women taking time to get ready in the bathroom this can also be applied when women are out in a social situation with other women. It’s the usual scenario and the mystery of why do women go to the toilet together? This is definitely a situation that men find bizarre and peculiar, but the answer is simple. Women go together to the bathroom to talk. They chat about what’s going on with their lives and if there on a double date they talk about the men. Basically women talk about anything and everything.

In thinking about all of this I came to a final conclusion, that women use the bathroom in the same way as men. Both genders use the bathroom to escape from life for a short while. Although the genders differ in the activities they do in the bathroom, for men it’s reading and doing their business. While for women it’s either talking (in groups) or getting ready (make-up, hair etc). But for both genders the bathroom time is a time to escape from life. I guess this is why when it comes to buying or selling a house the bathroom is such an essential room and can either make or break a sale.

As always thanks for reading and hope you enjoyed it and please leave any comments as I’d love to hear from you.

Gender and the Bathroom Debate Part 1 Male’s


Why do men take so long in the Bathroom?

 

Over the weekend I asked a friend for ideas on what to write about on this bathroom blog and he did’nt disappoint and came up with a gem of an idea. The premise of the idea is simple yet is an age old gender debate that has been around for decades.

 

The basic idea of this debate is what do men use the bathroom for and what do women use the bathroom for. It’s ok people don’t worry I’m not going to go into any specific details it’s more a case that I’m going to try and investigate how each gender perceives their bathroom time.

 

Due to the massive nature of this debate I’m splitting this blog up into two parts one part for the men and one part for the women. Seeing as I’m a man I’m going to start with the men so let the age old debate begin.

 

I’d like to first point out that a lot of this debate in the main atleast is going to be very broad and so quite a few generalisations will be made. I know everyone is different and everyone has their own routines or rituals so please remember a lot of these points are going to be generalisations.

Man Rules

The simple answer to the question is that men take so long in the bathroom because they want to.

 

For men the bathroom is viewed as their kingdom to which they are the king. The domain of the bathroom is a place of freedom to escape the world for a while and have a bit of reflective time. This notion can be expanded due to the euphemism of the toilet as a throne.

 

“This particular euphemism, throne, is said to have come from none other than King Louis XIV, who often saw to royal business from his toilet, deeming it an alternative to his usual throne.”

http://www.bigsiteofamazingfacts.com/why-is-the-toilet-called-a-throne-and-where-did-the-term-come-from

 

The bathroom for men is not only their kingdom but a place of solitude where men can in essence simply be alone. A lot of men but not all, enjoy being alone with their thoughts and able to take time out in a busy day to just relax. This relaxing can take a number of different forms the most popular one is reading on the toilet. The phenomenon of reading on the toilet is not exactly a new fad that people have only just discovered and are enjoying. It’s been going on for ages. I do want to mention that it’s not just men that enjoy reading on the toilet I’m sure a lot of women enjoy doing it as well. I’m not going to delve too far into reading on the toilet as I’ve planned for a whole separate blog on this topic.

 

Going back to the question of why do men spend so long in the bathroom? As I’ve stated men enjoy time by themselves and we know that if we go into the bathroom then no ones gonna follow. Providing the perfect arena to relax and also do our business at the same time. Just like killing two birds with one stone to coin a phrase.

This is a Potty Putter bargain at £9.99. The image is a link to the shop that sells them.

 

The other reason why men take so long in the bathroom could be that they have more of a bowel issue then women and need longer to fully de-clentch and release their bowels. Although I can’t back this up with any scientific proof it’s just an idea.

 

I know this blog is only just the tip of the iceberg and I’m sure at some point I will come back to this wonderful debate and engage it fully with adequate research. But I feel as a start to this issue this is as far as I’m going to go. I will leave you with a few anonymous quotes I found on Yahoo by two men who share their view as to why they take a while in the bathroom.

 

“I can’t speak for all men of course, but for me, it’s my one escape from the hell of married life. In the john, it’s my own private kingdom away from the demanding ball and chain. So of course, I tend to stay in there a little extra long, whether I’m reading or not.”

 

“We know you wont fallow us in there, and sometimes we just sit on the can for about an hour and read **** thats sitting near us and relax.”

 

I will delve briefly into the female gender and the bathroom on Wednesday. If you have any comments then I’d love to hear from you and thanks for reading.

Fridays Fun Poll – Are you excited about the Olympics?


I was deciding on what to get all you lovely people to vote about in the Friday Fun poll this week. The poll is usually linked to a blog earlier on in the week but unfortunately you can’t really do a blog on printers from hell or DIY issues.

So I’ve decided to just have a very simple poll this week about the upcoming Olympics seeing as its only 7 days away. The poll is to see how excited or not excited you are about these games. Personally I’m really excited I think they are going to be great. I wish I could take a whole 2 months off work and go watch as much of it as possible. I am lucky enough to have tickets to watch one of the football games but am desperate to make it down and watch some of the Paralympics.

Are you as excited about the Olympics as I am? Or am I the only one who’s keen for it all to kick off and get under way. Simple poll Yes or No.

As always please leave a comment I’d love to hear your thoughts on the Olympics.

The Power of Calm to Bring you Back From the Dark Side


It’s Monday and that means another whole week of work something that not a lot of people crave, but it’s the way the cookie crumbles. Plus everyone has to work so no use in moaning about it so let’s just enjoy our new week. So with enjoying this new week we have a wonderful new Alternative Bathroom Blog. Yay, Whoooo, yay, wicked, pucker, brilliant whooo.

Anyway moving swiftly on, I was thinking about what great tit bits and useless information I could convey to you all today. I mean last week we had the excitement of trying to figure out which superhero is best to re-decorate your bathroom and before that we had the celebration of the humble toilet. But I was stumped on what to briefly discuss with you all. Then it came to me or more a close friend gave it to me, that spark of an idea for this blog.

It was over a brief texting conversation about him being angry and needing to calm down that he used the expression ‘the power of calm’. Wow what a great expression I mean it just says so much. So it got me thinking what makes me annoyed that I would need to call on the power of calm. Then like a fly hitting the window screen of a car going 80mph I knew what makes me infuriated and gets me annoyed, three small letters DIY.

DIY Fail

DIY is essentially what Kings Bathrooms is all about to a certain degree anyway. We sell all varieties of bathroom products ranging from luxury whirlpool baths to the lowly but essential waste pipes. So although DIY frustrates and annoys me I’m actually working for a DIY company in essence. It’s no wonder I haven’t thrown my computer out of the window and run around the showroom with my pants on my head, shouting obscene profanities at the static products in sheer anger. But its ok, my pants are still on keeping my bits and pieces comfy and my computer is still situated in front of me as I type.

I do exaggerate for effect because I actually don’t mind DIY it’s more the fact that I’m not particularly good at it which is the main problem. My brother is a carpenter/multi-trade handyman and my dad is also very good at DIY. I think unfortunately the DIY gene skipped me although my dad is still trying to engage me in this trade by buying me drill bits for Christmas. The only problem is I don’t even own a drill rendering the wonderful drill bits useless. Anyway that’s enough family history and deviating back to the ‘the power of calm’.

The power of calm is essential when undertaking any DIY task as I found out when re-sealing my bath tub over the weekend. The landlord had decided to put some kind of plastic skirting round the bath upon discovering a small leak coming from the bath. Now I don’t know if you’ve ever had one of these plastic skirting things round your bath but there’s simply no other way to put it, they are useless. They are as good as washing with a trout and towelling down with a hedgehog and using a skunk as aftershave. Maybe a bit harsh, I guess for an immediate short term fix they are ok apart from that just plain rubbish.

So I decided to under take this DIY challenge of re-sealing the bath tub and as I guide you through my journey be aware of the stages that occurred.

Stage 1 Fear

So as the skirting was half falling off I decided now is the time to take it off and simply run some new fresh sealant round the bath and solve all the problems. But as I removed the skirting it was with shock and horror that all the glue was still attached to it and still really sticky. Stage one of frustration had occurred the fear factor. Fear that I had just set myself up for a bigger job then expected.

Stage 2 Anger

It’s OK I said to myself and continued in scrapping off all the glue which was attached all around the bath and on the tiles and basically everywhere. But no matter how much I scrapped and pulled it off, it was still sticky and horrible and refused to come off. It was like an invisible glue monster that was constantly walking all around the bath tub leaving horrible gloopy glue everywhere. Stage two had kicked in the anger stage. I was starting to get really angry at this ridiculous amount of sticky mess ever where.

Stage 3 Hate

By now the stages in my mood are changing rapidly and what seemed like a great idea and a challenge which I felt I could achieve has driven me to hate. Hate the project hate the bath tub and especially hate the glue which was still all over the place.

Stage 4 Suffering

This lead me to the fourth and final stage, suffering. I was now alone in my bathroom listening to Mr Scruff (quality DJ check his stuff out its Funky goodness) on my laptop feeling low.

If you have an astute mind or are of the Jediism religion you would have figured out that I had gone to the dark side. That’s right I was turning into the Darth Vader of bathroom DIY. It’s all as master Yoda said

Yoda

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.”

–YODA, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace

In conclusion the Power of Calm is not just a phrase that you can simply dismiss lightly. It should be at the forefront of your mind when undertaking any DIY task or even when undertaking any task in life. So I want to thank my friend publicly for introducing me to The Power of Calm, for without it I would be half man half machine with a serious breathing problem and dressed in black.

As always thanks for reading and please leave any comments as I’d love to hear from you if you have ever turned to the dark side when under taking a DIY task.

Friday Fun Super Villain Bathroom Poll


Earlier on this week we delved into the world of super hero’s and who you would have re-decorate your bathroom. We found out that although super hero’s are good at saving the world on potentially re-decorating a bathroom they maybe less then useless.

So for today’s Friday fun poll i thought it was time we give the super villans a chance at playing Lawerence Llwellyn Bowen. For anyone that does’nt know who he is. He is a camp presenter on one of those re-decorating home programes where it’s all a surprise and everyone always really likes it even though from the look on their faces they clearly hate it.

The Joker

Anyway enjoy the poll and if you feel like you are super enough and need a re-decoration be sure to check out all our products here.

Also please do comment if your favourite super villain isant listed, have fun.

Positive Thinking


 

Here in the UK we have simply not had a summer, the weather has been completely and utterly awful even more so then usual. The rain has come and then gone and come back again and this cycle has been repeated day after day after day. We’ve had floods here there and everywhere and to be honest my hope for my tomato plants has all but faded.

 

So I’m going to try and lift everyone’s spirits and let you all know that the Olympics is only 16 days away and I’m sure that the weather will of brightened up in those 16 days I’m sure of it.

 

I know this is only a very brief blog today but I felt everyone here in the UK needed an extra boost of positivity today and I feel that reminding everyone of the pending Olympics would help. Also it should be mentioned otherwise I won’t be doing my job that here at Kings Bathrooms we will be having Olympic reduced prices. Not entirely sure what Olympic reduced prices are but I’ll be sure to let you know the meaning once I figure it out myself. Needless to say that the prices on a number of items will drastically reduce, giving you an absolute bargain.

 

Now if that doesn’t cheer you up, nothing will. Have a great day everyone and remember it can’t rain all the time.

What Superhero would you have re-decorate your bathroom?


With the release of the new Spiderman film and with the upcoming release of Batman The dark Knight Rises on the 20th of July (UK) I got to think as to which superhero would be ideal for helping me re-decorate a bathroom.

I feel I have to let you all know now before you carry on reading that I am a bit of a geek. That’s right, I am happy to say that I am a grown man who enjoys nothing more then delving into a world of super hero’s and super villains, reading comics and watching cartoons and more recently superhero films (to which the number is increasing dramatically).

I was that much of a fan of super hero’s when I was younger that I put on my Batman suit and thought I could fly. It turns out that just cos you have a cape doesn’t mean you can fly. So I learnt the hard way when as a 5 year old boy I jumped out of the upstairs bedroom window and needless to say I didn’t fly but more in quoting Toy Story “Fell with style” and landed head first into the ground. After realising I did not have super flying powers I also found out I wasn’t unbreakable and so ended up cracking my skull and knocking myself unconscious. I wish in some senses I was making this up but unfortunately not, but its ok I survived and although when I’m in tall buildings I do get the urge to jump off, I now know I’m not a super hero. So now that you know what you are letting yourself in for its time for me to go into uber-geek mode.

With regard to the initial thought of which super hero would I want to re-decorate my bathroom I immediately just started thinking about who are my favourite super hero’s. I feel again I should make another statement and say that I’m neither a DC nor a Marvel man I like both so I’m including hero’s from both of the two main comic companies. Anyway back to the question, my favourite hero’s are Batman (for obvious reasons i.e. physical scars in trying to replicate him), Spiderman (for his great wit and cool costume), Wolverine (for his bad-ass attitude and also his amazing healing powers) and a more obscure character Swamp Thing (because he’s big green and pretty much can’t be stopped unless he’s up rooted and put in a desert).

So I had my super hero’s and I was happy with my choices but then I started to think about it more and that’s where the problems started. Let me explain each super hero and why they were actually a bad choice for getting them to re-decorate my bathroom.

Batman           

The reason why Batman although he is my favourite super hero is simply the wrong choice to re-design my bathroom is that it would be like a cave. Don’t get me wrong I like caves but I don’t want my bathroom to look like a cave. Think about it, hanging above the toilet will be a bunch of bats (potentially doing their business everywhere). The walls would be all slimy and wet, it would be very cold and damp all the time and not to mention extremely dark. Although to Batman it would be home for me I like a warm pleasantly lighted bathroom.

Spiderman       

Spiderman is a cool dude there is no denying that, but the reason why I couldn’t have Spiderman re-decorate my bathroom is that there will be spiders and webs everywhere. My bathroom would look like one of the scenes from Indian Jones just spider’s webs everywhere and although I’m not scared of spiders I don’t really want to sit on the toilet and then as I start to get up realise I’m stuck to the seat. So that’s Spiderman ruled out.

Wolverine         

The reason why Wolverine is not a good choice to help me re-decorate is that there would be claw marks on everything. Also he does have a bit of a temper and is not reliable so would probably get in a huff about something and storm off leaving the bathroom unfinished. Sorry Wolverine you were made to fight and save people not to re-decorate bathrooms.

Swamp Thing       

Down to my last super hero surely Swamp Thing is good at re-decorating, unfortunately no. I mean think about it he lives in a swamp and so will end up making your bathroom into a swap as well. There would be flies everywhere and no amount of air freshener would be able to cope with the funk it would seep out daily. So Swap Thing would also not be a suitable candidate to re-decorate my bathroom.

So I leave you all with this puzzle which super hero would you pick to re-decorate your bathroom, because they are all amazing at saving the planet and just generally being super. But can any of them help you re-decorate a bathroom?

As usual please leave any comments as I’d love to hear if anyone can come up with a super hero to help them. All the best and thanks for reading. Below is a few more super heroes’ that would not be any help.

Hulk – The bathroom just wouldn’t get finished because he would get angry and destroy it when he stands on a screw or something.

The Flash – would do the bathroom to quickly he would make a bodge job of it screws missing etc

Aqua man – the bathroom would be underwater.

Captain America –   he would only want to use the colours red, white and blue to paint with.

Superman – His cloak would get in the paint and get everywhere plus he’d have to dart off and save the world every few hours so simply just not reliable.

Fridays Fun Bathroom Phobia Poll


The weather here in the UK is beyond horrible with a month’s amount of rain expected to fall in 48 hours or less. So to help cheer us all up from this pathetic excuse of a summer (in the UK atleast) we have the Friday fun poll. Yaaaay whooooo.

Earlier on this week we went on a terrifiying journey to discover people’s darkest fears about bathrooms. The places we visited and passed through were not pleasant but atleast we all made it out and there was a good positive message at the end. If you haven’t had an opportunity to read the article then please visit it here for a quick read.

So with bathroom phobia’s the topic for the poll I have as usual put a couple of suggestions down for you to choose from, but by all means add any other suggestions in the comments section.

Hope you have fun with this poll and look forward to seeing the results.