Hopefully you have read Part 1 in this series and are fully up to date with your bathroom survival so far. If you haven’t read Part 1 then go and read it otherwise when the apocalypse happens and you’re stuck in a bathroom you will be zombie chow.
A brief review of how the survival is going. So far you have managed to kill two zombies your neighbour and your flatmates girlfriend. You’ve also managed to keep yourself hidden by employing the turtle technique or have block up the door so no other zombies can get in. Your doing really well and this is where I’m gonna dive straight in with the next stage in our zombie apocalypse survival.
Although this seems like a trivial step seeing as a zombie apocalypse is in full swing but trust me this step is crucial for survival. Let me explain, you are in a panic stricken state your mind is going round in circles trying to comprehend that a zombie apocalypse is happening and your stomach is aching. To calm yourself down and get your self focused you need to preoccupy your brain and stomach with something else. Remember the scenario and remember that you have with you a cheese and ham sandwich and a bag of Haribo. This is the distraction that you need. So munch hard at a steady pace but remember to not eat all the Haribo you will need some left for instant energy later on. You can wash it all down with a drink of water from the bathroom tap. The food will provide energy when making a break for freedom plus it maybe your last meal, you don’t want to be zombie fodder on an empty stomach.
Con – If you’re a vegetarian you may not want to eat the ham in the sandwich.
4. RVLB Remembering Visualising Listening Business
Right, so you’ve calmed down had potentially your last meal and are psyched to take on all zombies in your way. Your adrenaline is through the roof and you are ready to smash zombies up Incredible Hulk style. The only down fall is that your not the Incredible Hulk and therein lies the problem. But you have the unique advantage over zombies that you don’t have a sole craving for brains and can think logically and strategically.
I’ve split this stage of survival up into a handy acronym RVLB – Remembering, Visualising, Listening and Business. Below is how each component is crucial for survival and shows you how you should use your brain rather then lose your brain.
The first word in the acronym is Remembering. Remember what I hear you ask? Well fortunately it’s not did you take the bin out for collection or did you remember to pay your credit card bill. These should be the last things entering your head. You have to remember your main aim is survival, and so you need to remember your surrounding area. Your aim is to try to remember playing as a kid in the street and all the little alleyways and roads around you, thinking of where you want to go to for your route to freedom.
You could be mistaken for thinking that this is just another facet of remembering and thinking that I’m being over cautious about route planning, but trust me this is not a stage you want to miss out. Once you have remembered and thought of a route you need to literally visualise the route in your head making adjustments of which road and street to move down if you encounter a horde of zombies. Running around like a headless chicken will get you into sticky situations. So visualising as much of your route and compensating for route changes provides you with a higher survival rate. Remember use your brain, don’t lose it.
I don’t say this lightly but your ears are literally your best tool for survival end of. If it were a case of I could have a super hearing device or a machine gun during a zombie apocalypse give me the hearing device every single time. Listening for zombie movement is essential for survival your eyes can deceive you into thinking that it’s safe. Just remember the green cross code Stop, Look and LISTEN.
Lastly on the acronym we have Business. Now there’s no polite way to say this but when you gotta go, you gotta go, it’s as simple as that. Think about it for a moment, you’ve just experiencing fending off two zombies for the first time in your life I’m sure you will need to check yourself. Also you may not feel like you need to go, but you need to give it a try. The last thing you want is that your running as fast as you can and you feel the sudden urge for the toilet it’s not a good situation to be in. Just remember when doing your business you need to be quick and as much as possible quite. The last thing you want is a zombie attack while on the bog trust me you don’t want to die with your pants down. Added bonus is that you can be doing the Remembering, Visualising and Listening all while doing your Business.
Con – Fresh underwear is in your cupboard next door, commando may have to be an option.
Bonus – Going commando gives you a lovely free feeling if you’re into that kind of thing.
The last section is to fully prepare you for your breakaway to freedom and survival beyond the next few hours. Although you are only in the bathroom, there is key supplies that you need to make sure you pick up.
Toilet paper is brilliant, it comes in handy in so many situations such as blowing your nose, cleaning, washing and obviously its main purpose, wiping your bum. So make sure to pack at least one toilet roll as you never know when you maybe in an isolated place needing to go to the loo with no toilet paper available. You can by all means skip this advice if you’re hardcore, and embark on the Bear Grylls / Ray Mears style and wipe your bum with a leaf. But everyone likes abit of luxury so why deprive yourself, take some toilet roll.
Toothpaste and Toothbrush
This one is almost self explanatory, no one likes bad breath plus do you have any idea how hard it will be to find a good dentist in a post apocalyptic zombie world. So take them both and make sure you brush everyday.
Razor or Perfume
The final piece of information I am going to give you before making a break for it is to pack either a razor or some perfume. Why? I hear you say. Let me explain, you’ve made a dash for freedom and have succeeded, you mange to bump into other survivors and have found a safe secure location. Everything is all going well. Now the task of re-populating mankind is at hand, the only problem is that no one is attracted to the opposite sex because the men all look like beardy weridy’s and the women smell like gone off milk. This means that no honka donk badonka donk will be going on and the re-population of the human race is in peril. A quick shave or splash of perfume combined with a Barry White or Al Green album can help get things back on track. So for the sake of the human race I implore you pick up a razor or perfume and let those that have died in the zombie apocalypse not of died in vain.
Survival or Zombie Dinner
So we have got to the knife edge of survival or zombie dinner. If you have followed all my instructions then you are now ready to make a break for it. Fully loaded with supplies and a specific route to freedom mapped out in your head. I wish you all the best in your survival. Now take one last listen, pick up your weapon of choice, remove the bathtub from the door or lift it up off of yourself and run like you have never run before. Good Luck
As always if you have any comments or other survival tips please do leave a comment I’d love to hear from you.